There are times of darkness and light. Sometimes we have to go through the night of disbelief, cynicism or despair. I'm talking about being in touch with your calling.
When you really hear and own your calling it begins to give you strength. It gives energy beyond what you expect. It makes you see through challenges and obstacles. It feeds on a level that is deeply nourishing.
But there totally are times when it doesn't seem so easy.
There are times when you fall so hard that you cry and are afraid to rise back again. Times when you are tired of everything. Times when you don't feel anything anymore and wonder if this is for you anyway.
But when a calling is there, it doesn’t listen to reason.
Calling is not about what is rationable.
Calling doesn’t come from reasoning how you’d make money. (Even though I do think our calling LEADS us to money)
Calling doesn’t obey rules or norms.
Calling doesn’t ask if you feel comfortable with it.
Calling feels expansive, elevating and it lightens your being.
Calling makes you feel vulnerably connected to your emotions.
Calling fills you with hope and love.
Calling may seem logically crazy but you just know inside that it is possible.
Calling is not about what others would like to see you do or become.
Calling is totally unique to you.
Calling burns you.
Calling makes you feel ALIVE.
When we let our calling shrink inside we become dead inside. It is a state of suffocation. It totally often is scary to embrace our calling, yet at the same time it just feels really good. You feel excited with tingling energy. It might feel like you can finally breathe when you feel what calls you. It's our job to give ourself permission...
I have had many times when I thought I will quit music. Times when I somehow thought I've seen what this is and it just doesn't fit me anymore. I have struggled with what you could call "musical career identity", somehow stuck in old frames and mindsets. I have found myself watching ways of working and going "I don't want that". I've felt these tiny crawling voices of cynicism and doubt creep up my back. That I am not good enough to do this. That my voice doesn't matter to anyone.
Calling keeps on knocking.
It keeps on nagging in the back of your, uh, heart, mind, body, everything.
Those moments of hope can come in such small details. There is one moment I remember from an early time when I was taking piano lessons at age of 16, having mostly been learning to play by myself. I was studying in high school at that time, feeling very lost and disconnected to life and myself. I didn't even get to have many lessons, but this one moment had a significant effect on me.
I played one song I had as homework for her, and as I stopped my teacher was commenting my playing and then said to me: "Have you thought about studying more music? I think you should."
That may seem really like a small thing, but at that time there weren't many adults who'd encourage me in who I really was. I felt like I was weighted with adult's opinions, what they wanted for me, what they thought was rational to do in life. I wasn't so confident in my own. But I became more confident, and that moment was crucial for it.
It wasn't long after that when I quit high school (after one year) and went to study music professionally. And the journey goes on. That was a moment when I made a choice that was based on my calling, not opinions from the outside perspective. You need that skill to make choices that base on your calling.
Have my dreams and goals changed during years? Yes, they totally have. I might not dream of exactly same things that I did ten years ago in my artistic career. I have found and learnt so much that I have evidentially evolved in this time. The music industry is changing. I have re-defined what success means to me anyway. But the core of it is the same - to sing and make music. I view Voice as a bigger part of me. There is no asking if I should sing or not. If I don't sing, I shrink and lose my colors. Sometimes I have to work to get myself to use my voice, but when I do, I feel alive again.
I've had to really learn to surrender to what calls me. And each time it pushes me to go beyond my fears. Because it always does trigger fears and doubts. Our calling is showing us where to go so we can grow into who we dream of being.
My voice is my calling. I know that I am not the same without it. Sometimes I am afraid to say that. Who am I to say that my voice is my calling? Who am I to say my voice can match up to that? What does it matter to anyone?
But I know because it feels like it. Sometimes I have to go through gigantous mental resistance before singing, but once I get to the real thing, I realize the power of it. Everything falls into place. It matters to me. Singing is transformational experience to me. There doesn't have to be someone always telling me anymore I should be doing it, but in my experience there are magical, crazy synchronistic events in life where some people just came, say a few words and that changes the course of your life (because you were changing it anyways inside but not just given permission for yourself to do that!!!)
What is calling you? If you could give yourself permission for anything? What keeps on haunting you, wanting you, in the silent moments of life? What feels bigger than life to you?
It is real work, to go for it, but because you have the passion for it you have the inner willingness to go for it.